I try to call my Mr. to let him know I've ordered dinner. I know he's off work because I just talked to him less than five minutes ago. I remember this because I was upset with him for saying "I called you right back after I missed your call"... because to me "right back" doesn't mean forty-five minutes later. My call goes to voicemail. So I try again. Voicemail. Again. And again and again and again. Text messages, even the ones with the angry red faces, go unanswered. Voicemail message is ignored. With every passing attempt at contact my fury grows. My breathing is getting faster. My head is spinning. I believe that in this moment, I could breathe fire!
How dare he not answer?! I'm so mad I should have steam coming from my ears. I feel like my insides are boiling. Monkey just came in with those same two questions wrong yet again. Boogie is standing at the doorway screaming at the top of her lungs because I won't let her go in my room. (That's where Monkey is trying to do her school work.) Bug and K-man are fussing over which movie to watch on netflix. Then tears just start rolling down my face. Today I fail. Today I allowed how I felt to over shadow who I am. Today I allowed my symptoms to strip away my inner joy. Today I allowed myself to get in my own way.
My Mr doesn't realize that I've called him fifteen-hundred-million-gazillion times. He doesn't know that I'm weeping in my frustrations. He doesn't see me falling apart. He isn't home yet. This amazing man of mine is driving right now, probably listening to his radio really loud, while I sit here overwhelmed with anger towards him. It isn't his fault I don't feel like myself. It isn't his fault the kids don't understand that. It isn't even his fault that I'm so irritated with him. In the grand scheme of things, all of this comes back to little ole me. I allowed myself to be overtaken with how bad I'm feeling. I became consumed with the little things that were frustrating me, the same things that stole away my joy.
My Mr called me back, unnecessary apologies ready, because that's the kind of man he is. He picked up our dinner and all I had to do was put it on the plates. He finished loading the dishwasher for me. He sat down beside me with the biggest smile on his face. He reminded me how blessed I am to be with someone that can love me in spite of my flaws and deficiencies. Today, my Mr reminded me of how unworthy I am. Not of his love, because we are both two very imperfect people that choose daily to love one another all of our lives, but of God's love. Today I'm humbled. I'm amazed. I'm blessed beyond measure. No matter what failures I delivered today, my Savior loves me in-spite of them. He is ready and waiting to forgive me and carry me forward in my walk with Him. I'm absolutely positive that I'll mess up again. I'm sure that I'll allow my selfish flesh to get in the way at some point. It may not be tonight, but I know it will happen. I'm going to make mistakes. However, I won't allow those mistakes to overcome my joy in Jesus Christ. I won't allow those foul moods to snuff out my light. I will cling to my Savior even more! I will fall on my face seeking His forgiveness and His strength and His guidance! I will praise Him for what He has done and will continue to do in me! I will thank Him for opening my eyes! And I will thank Him for my Mr!
My prayer is that if any of you aren't feeling like yourself, that God would send you a reminder of just how loved you are! Because that is exactly what we are, even when we don't feel like ourselves.... We're still sinners loved by an Almighty God, Saved by Amazing Grace!
Be a blessing to someone today!